Sexy sex, men, heteronormativity, consumerism
Fuck that noise.
The other day I was a the checkout line at my local grocery store and I died a little when I saw a Cosmopolitan magazine cover.
“sex. sexy. flat. bitchy. words to reference ‘penis’ other than the scientific anatomical name: ‘penis’. secrets. flawless.”
It has been pointed out to me that I never really learned how to flirt. As I reflect on this self-discovery, I log into cosmopolitan.com (because I am not spending $5 on a glossy spread of ads) to learn the secrets of attracting men (because in Cosmo world, there is no such thing as lesbians). I bump into this gem and I get transported to some sort of parallel universe that I will never comprehend. I picture scenarios.
“Wingtip #1: Go out in groups of no bigger than three.
Larger groups of girls are supertough (read: intimidating) to approach. Three is a good number because your two friends can keep each other company when a guy walks up to chat with you.”
Sorry, there’s already 3 of us, you can’t join us because that makes 4 and I need male attention like my life depends on it. Next time we’ll have a raffle, or split into groups of 3 if there’s 6 of us ladies, pretend we don’t know each other. Women congregating in large numbers is a serious threat to patriarchy!
“Wingtip #2: Hold a drink in your hand.
Guys don’t want to be used. Meaning: They don’t want to buy you a drink right off the bat. My clients and I used to look for the girl with half a cocktail. That way, if she finishes her beverage while chatting with my guy, he could offer to buy her another to keep things moving.”
I will hang on to this half-empty glass of mojito until some schmuck comes over and talks to me! I don’t care if the ice melts in my drink! Come talk to me! Buy me a drink! I can’t afford it! I’m so helpless! Come talk to me before my mojito gets warm! Reason #1 I don’t allow guys to buy my a drink: if they buy me a drink I’ll be obligated to talk to them and chances are I’ll get really bored. My strategy when caught with half a $2 pitcher of piss-taste Bud Light on a Wednesday night at some sleazy bar, gulp down entire pitcher. Excuse myself to the ladies’ room. Run out the back door of the bar through the alley to the safety of my car. Proceed to nearest store, buy a 6 pack of better beer, share it with friend while watching some bride show on TLC.
“Wingtip #3: Smile genuinely.
So obvious, right? But I can’t stress it enough — and I can’t believe I ever acted aloof in an attempt to seem sexier. Now I know that women smile all the time naturally (when we’re nervous, when we’re trying to be polite, etc.), so if you don’t do it at all, you look like an unapproachable bitch.”
Remember those tips about being totally aloof and pretending to not have a brain so men can like you? Ok. Keep that up, but with a SMILE :D
Don’t be such a bitch, smile. Who cares what they’re talking about, second divorce, restraining order, three-legged puppy, bankruptcy, just nod your head and smile.
“I have no soul! Keep marriage in California opposite!”
“Wingtip #4: Work the eye contact.
To reel him in from across the room, tilt your chin down a bit and flash him a couple of sultry glances. (Guys love it when you look up at them — it makes them feel manly.) If the guy across the room is so gorgeous you have a hard time looking straight at him and are simply too nervous, fake it by focusing on the tiny area right between his eyes. He won’t be able to tell the difference.”
Like a porno? You know the camera angle that makes the female performer submissive? Yes, exactly like a porno. Got it. Find the tallest fucker in the bar and look up to him like a sad puppy that just pooped all over the carpet.
“Wingtip #5: Don’t immediately ask him what he does.
Some men think all women are gold diggers. A lot of my clients hated being asked what their job is. It’s that fear-of-being-used thing again.”
Gold digger. The most despised stereotype assigned to females. I am so not a gold digger. You wanna know how much of a gold digger I am not? Start telling me how much money you have or what you drive or own and I will tear you to pieces. It’s not intentional, so don’t take it personally. It’s like a reflex. So I won’t ask you what you do for a living, instead I will talk about breast pumps and my take on phallic imagery on everyday life.
“Wingtip #6 Make positive small talk.
Once I started studying other women, I couldn’t believe how negative some of us appear. When you’re out on the town, you’re supposed to be having fun, and any complaint (“It’s hot in here!”), pessimism (“There will definitely be another terrorist attack”), or snarky quip (“Look at that chick’s belt — so 2002!”) pretty much pokes a hole in the fun-girl aura you should be projecting. Some better small-talk topics: recent vacations, favorite bands, hilarious movies. You can hit him with your deep, dark world-view some other time”
That’s kind of a challenge for me because I have opinions on things, some of those negative. I promise you I won’t complain about the weather or the temperature of the room (shout out to these two super cool guys that found a cool spot under the vent at a crowded, hot sticky bar and let me and my friends stand there so we could cool off. There are still good people left in this world, that makes me very happy). If you ask me about my favorite bands I will never shut up (uh oh) and my ideas of hilarious movies do not include either one of The Hangovers, or another bullshit movie about friends with benefits that agree to have sex no strings attached but end up falling in love. If you wanna hear about my favorite movies, you better film up boy, cause I am a straight up movie and film snob.
What can I say to all my single ladies? The dating world seems to be shit these days, and the advice that the experts have to offer makes matters only more disastrous, which is great in a romantic comedy, but not in the ultimate romantic comedy I like to call “life”. My humble advice would be: be yourself, be sincere, trust your instincts, find someone with substance (you won’t meet that person at a bar or a club so think a little harder) and be extremely patient and for the love of all things holy, STOP READING COSMO! THE ONLY ANSWERS COSMO HAS ARE THE WRONG ONES! You are beautiful, and my advice sucks too because I am kind of a sociopath, so don’t listen to me either.
